Fire, Fire Everywhere

I’m a native Californian. As such, I have grown accustomed to some things that tend to happen on a regular basis. Perhaps the most notable of these things, besides earthquakes (and even those seem to be random), are the wildfires that start to pop up around the summertime.

Like clockwork, one flares up and begins to spread. Then another one miles away starts and begins to work its way towards homes, ranches, and whatever else those silly humans have built up there.

How do I know this? It’s because every friggin’ news station in Southern California area takes it upon themselves to broadcast live images from the locations of these fires, putting their reporters in eminent danger. Just last year, Chuck Henry of NBC4 was literally crying like a little biatch when his news van was surrounded by wildfires. The camera was rolling as he was literally crying his eyes out thinking they were going to die. He and his cameraman were eventually rescued by firefighters but the whole situation just leaves me to wonder: why bother covering this? Here are some points to consider:

They Happen Every Year: Unlike an earthquake that can strike a moment’s notice, wildfires happen every year. They are nothing new. Homeowners who live up in the mountains are warned every year well before fire season to trim back the brush so that the fires have a lesser chance of spreading. Whether they do or not, I don’t know, but something has to keep those damn fires burning.

Nothing to See Here…Move Along: Hours of live coverage from the air in helicopters that can either crash or get in the way of water tankers or firefighting helicopters. News reporters standing on hillsides pointing to some arbitrary location in the distance, their index finger commanding where the cameraman should be shooting. And for what? So the viewer at home can watch a fire burn…and burn…and burn. Wow. For my money, it doesn’t get any better than that! Seriously, there is no need for extensive coverage of these fires. They will burn – that’s what fires do. The people who live there have been evacuated; they aren’t watching the news. Would they want to? I mean, would you want to, knowing that there’s a chance your home will be reduced to a pile of ashes? Give me a high-speed chase anytime. At least there are more variables involved, increasing the chances of something different happening.

Not My Fault Those People Live Up There, or Build Your Next Home with Bricks, Morons: Of course, when the dust has settled, the cameras are back in position to get reaction from the homeowners. Reporters will ask the obvious questions: “How do you feel? Are you going to rebuild? Did you have homeowner’s insurance?” Okay, Army Archard, enough of the jibber-jabber.

We know how they feel – like crap.

Will they rebuild? My best advice is to build their next house out of bricks since chimneys are the only things that seem to survive the ravages of the flames. And honestly, if they do rebuild or stay in the mountains, they are idiots. It’s gonna happen again.

Oh yeah, and what homeowner in the mountains wouldn’t have homeowner’s insurance, especially fire insurance? Better do your homework next time.

What’s the Cause: When it all boils down, investigators seem to always come to the same conclusion – it was arson. Well, thanks for that. One day I hope that it’s caused by something more unlikely, like a clown crashing his car over the cliff and it exploding. Funny red noses and clown shoes everywhere.

Kudos to the Firefighers: While I may sound like as ass about this, my hat is off to those courageous men and women who risk their lives in taming these fires. I’ve always said that firefighting is one of the most underpaid occupations out there because you go to each call not knowing if you’ll ever see your family again. That takes more balls than any athlete who has ever played any game will ever have.

But as for the news coverage…sheesh. Tell me something worthwhile.