Stink. Stank. Stunk.

There are times when I board the Metro and think to myself “Man, this thing smells like watermelon Jolly Ranchers and cocoa butter.” I tolerate it since, well, such is the joy of public transportation. And for the most part, it’s not all that bad.

Then there are days when you sit next to the lady who splashed on too much Jean Nate or Jovan Fresh Musk or Revlon Enjoli. Okay, so I’ve dated myself there but you get the idea. Again, it’s nearly tolerable.

But let me tell you something: Today I was exposed to what quite possibly could have been the worst smells in the history of mankind. There must have been a toxic spill in the area or a busted sewer main because holy shit, it was bad.

When I arrived at the Blue Line/Green Line transfer point, I exited the train and was greeted to a smell that could only be described as burning trash and deep-fried cat piss. Just work with me on that one, peeps. (If you have a cat, you probably don’t need to work very hard to understand.) But you bet your sweet bippy it was that bad.

After waving some of the fumes I could practically see away from my nose, I made my way up the stairs to the Green Line platform. The smell remained. Thankfully, the train arrived shortly afterwards to rescue me from the smell—temporarily, at least.

A few stations later, two little viejitas boarded. What followed them was yet another awful smell, almost as if they had each finished a pack of Lucky Strikes and then got in a fight with a skunk that had just finished a pack of Luckys himself. They sat two rows in front of me; the odor permeated throughout the whole train.

I finally reached my destination. I proceed to walk behind the Toyota Center, right past two ordinarily stinky dumpsters. They didn’t even faze me after my little adventure. However, the smell of metal-to-metal contact in the parking structure, quite possibly from a failing clutch or locked-up brake calipers, is another story.

I am driving to work tomorrow. While my Explorer may not have that wonderful new-car smell anymore, the smell of the leather seats in a smoke-free environment definitely makes up for it.