I’m Changing My Name

Well, maybe not. But I should. Allow me to explain.

If you’ve been reading this blog long enough (and I can’t imagine who would have been), you might recall that strange evening in 2018 when a process server came to my door looking for some deadbeat dad from Texas who was behind on his child support payments. The dad’s name was the same as mine and the process server had my SSN on the paperwork.

But his picture wasn’t mine. A-ha! Regardless, the letters kept on coming and I finally had to hire an attorney in Texas to clear my name while presumably the search for the real guy went on. What I learned from all this is that the Texas Attorney General’s Office couldn’t catch a cold and was run by a bunch of morons who would have difficulty using self-checkout at Walmart. So x-dollars and numerous calls later, my name was cleared and I hoped this type of garbage would never happen to me again.

Then one day I got a letter from Ohio’s Attorney General. What the actual fuck now?

And much like Texas, a state I’ve learned to loathe even more considering what their Astros did in 2017 to my Dodgers that I nor any baseball fans outside of Texas should ever forget or forgive, I have never been to Ohio. Let’s just say that if I had a list of states I wanted to visit, Ohio would most likely not be on it. Because Ohio.

Anyway, the first time I got the letter, I sent it back because technically, the person it was addressed to did not live at my address because it was addressed to my first name and middle initial — but Ann’s maiden name. Interesting. So I gave it back to our carrier and explained and also told Ann that I wasn’t going to worry about it because it’s not mine.

The letter returned a few days later with my carrier explaining that if I returned it again, all mail service to our address would stop. Weird but a chance couldn’t take even if a bulk of our mail is garbage. So I had no choice to accept it and then open it.

[Image of letter not posted after some consideration]

It was bill for almost $400 that someone still owed for their criminal case. But before I gave it a second thought and even got angry, I calmly picked up my phone and called the phone number on the letter.

I sat on hold for a good 20 minutes. When my call was finally answered, they asked for the reference number on the letter and my name (our real last names have been replaced below).

This is where my face suddenly sprouted a huge grin.

“David A Smith,” I said with a smile she could probably hear.

Typing sounds in the background…

“Sir, the last name on this reference number is Johnson,” she replied.

“That’s correct, and that’s not my last name. It’s Smith,” I said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what this is about because I’ve never been to, have had business in, or even have friends or relatives in Ohio.”

I continued to explain.

“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. I had a similar thing from Texas and had to hire an attorney to fix it. I’m hoping that’s not the case again.”

The voice came back on, more typing in the background.

“Okay…so what I’ve done is remove your address from our database. You will not get any more letters from us about this and I do apologize.”

And that was it. As simple as a call to fix things, whereas Texas had me jump through hoops with no results for a month before seeking legal advice.

So, after it was all taken care of, I called Ann and let her know.

“Oh and by the way, I’m changing my name. Maybe this shit will stop once I do.”

I won’t but goddamnit, if I get one more letter intended for some fucking loser criminal that isn’t paying their debts, I’ll seriously consider it.

Maybe.