The Simpsons Quotes in Daily Life, Vol. 1


I follow a few Facebook fan pages that are dedicated to The Simpsons and the other day, they were asking what everybody’s favorite quotes were.

It was then that I realized that not only were some of them my favorites but also used in the daily life of my family. (And believe it or not, Ann absolutely hated The Simpsons when I first met her.)

Granted I don’t watch many of the new episodes because the show seems to have lost its luster and goofy innocence over the years, and I’m a proud owner of Seasons 1-8 on DVD – the only seasons that matter in their entirety with a few episodes from Seasons 10-12 being just okay.

So it’s come to this: I’m compiling a list of quotes from the show that we seem to use on a daily basis or when the situation allows/is perfect for them. And for the next few days (or as more are added), I’ll be posting them here in an effort to keep me away from my iPad and sinking into Candy Crush Saga oblivion.

I actually bought more lives and power-ups the other day. Hey, it was a Black Friday sale and 86% off. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Ahem. Here are the first five quotes from the list which are in no particular order of preference.

1. Sweet merciful crap!

smc

Situation: Homer’s reaction to seeing his car decorated with assorted creatures from the sea. A fellow blogger has also taken a shine to this quote over the years.

Family Usage: Pretty much the same kind of situation or if, say, we wake up to a pile of shredded paper towels that a little black kitten we all know and love tore up while we were sleeping.

2. Uh-oh, something’s gonna die.

john

Situation: John’s reaction when he sees Homer, dressed in hunting gear, arrive at Cockamamies to pick up Bart.

Family Usage: This one comes in handy whenever Anthony says he’s going to do something outlandish like attach his GoPro to something and shoot a video as he skateboards.

3. Remember, we’re in the Itchy lot.

itchy

Situation: When the family arrives at Itchy and Scratchy Land, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong, Homer reminds them in which lot they parked. There’s only two and both are equally huge. Thank goodness for the signs.

Family Usage: On the rare occasion when we go to Disneyland, this quote will make itself known and it’s still funny because it’s true. By the way, they are adding even more parking in an effort to accommodate the upcoming Star Wars Land. Talk about too many people.

4. I can’t believe you don’t shut up!

shut up

Situation: Apu’s interjection to Homer when he keeps giving him romance advice.

Family Usage: Too many: when one of the cats keeps caterwauling for no reason, whenever Donald Trump is on TV blathering about the NFL or some other piece of legislation he’s introducing that will get shot down, etc. This one comes in handy.

5. Like, you know, whatever.

whatever

Situation: In an effort to leave the old Lisa Simpson behind and be accepted by the cool kids while at The Flandereses vacation home, Lisa tries to change her style and adopt new vernacular.

Family Usage: We tend to use this in more of a dismissive yet agreeable way.

Ann: Does spaghetti sound good for dinner?

Me: Like, you know, whatever.

And that’s the first five of who knows how many. I’ll keep adding them to my list in Evernote and posting them here. Stay tuned!

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Baby, You’re A Star


Sunday was a nice, blustery day so we decided to get out of the house and do a little bit of shopping – mostly window-wishing – at the local outlet.

As is the case with most outlets these days, the walkways are riddled with independent vendors trying to push their wares to anybody that passes. I had heard it said that these guys are the modern-day equivalent of pop-up ads and it’s true: they just keep pestering you.

But one booth wasn’t selling tennis shoe polish, laser-etched iPhone cases or fidget spinners (and I swear if I hear my kid say that one more time, I’ll scream). And unlike most of the booths, it was unmanned when we passed it.

What they were selling was a Hollywood dream to make it big in television and movies. It was a casting agency that specialized in recruiting children and teens for studios like Nickelodeon, Disney, etc. or so they say.

And it wasn’t until we were ready to leave when we were approached by the person who was running the booth. Apparently she thought we looked like a bunch of pigeons as she walked up to us, taking particular interest in Anthony.

She first asked if we were local. I confirmed her suspicion. Then the spiel began about how she was looking for teens age whatever-to-whatever to cast for shows on the aforementioned networks. That’s when I started to grin and then dropped the mic on her.

“Nah, that’s okay. I used to do background acting and…”

At the mention of “background acting” I swear that woman left a puff of smoke behind her and disappeared faster than Usain Bolt in the 100m dash.

Why is that?

There are a few reasons for her to not take interest in me or Anthony.

First, casting agencies in general. When you’re selling Hollywood to some slack-jawed yokel that doesn’t know any better, they will of course shovel out whatever it takes to make their kid a star. And that’s the problem: legit agencies will NEVER ask for money up front, and you can bet that this one was going to ask me for my wallet in order to get Anthony a few headshots that would be stuffed into an album of hundreds of others that already got bilked and still haven’t been cast for anything. For my casting file, my headshot was taken with a digital camera at the agency. That’s all they need especially if it’s only non-union background work. Speaking parts require SAG-AFTRA union membership and that costs money, something that you pay directly to the union and not the agency. Only then will you make decent money. Until then it’s minimum wage, baby. Except may for the monetary bumps for exposure to smoke, water, or the studio using your car in the background as well. Living the Hollywood dream? Hardly.

Second, I’ve seen what kids have to go through in this industry. For adults, it’s no big deal other than hustling for more jobs during your downtime between shots and there is a lot of downtime. For kids, however, it means having their parents on location with them, going to the on-set “school” between shots, and just long days that nobody that young should be put through. There’s never guarantee of when the production will wrap and if they have another shoot the next morning or get a callback for the current one, it’s a lot of stress for parents and kids. Kids also get hungry and antsy. This is why they are so hard to work with. It’s a miserable existence and a life I would never wish on any child. Believe me, it’s nothing like what you see on the screen or social media.

I can say quite confidently that those last two paragraphs are exactly what went through the mind of this woman as she ran away from me. She knew I had an inside track about the industry and didn’t even want to mess with me.

So sorry, kid. You’re not going to be the next big thing.

But you’ll always be our star.

Photo May 07, 5 28 41 PM

Adios, Amigo


There are very few things on television, let alone television advertising, that I can honestly say I enjoy.

Sitcoms? Not so much. Dramas? Bo-ring!

Reality shows? Don’t get me started.

I’m just not into watching television. In fact when faced with the task of simply changing the channel, I get lost because I don’t even know where the Guide button is on the remote. Seriously – I have to inspect it for at least 15 seconds before I find it, and I kind of like it that way.

However, there’s a certain character who was a perennial favorite of mine and today I found out he’s been given a send-off only he would be worthy of receiving.

He’s the fictional spokesperson for Dos Equis beer or, as we all came to know him, The Most Interesting Man in the World.

This advertising campaign was just brilliant. Commercials were simple montages of his believable adventures with voiceovers that described his traits or persona, which only led to his mystique:

  • His blood smells like cologne
  • Sharks have a week dedicated to him
  • If opportunity knocks and he’s not at home, opportunity waits
  • He gives his GPS directions*
  • Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect

And today, he embarked on his final journey: to Mars, never to return.

“His only regret…is not knowing what regret feels like.”

Ugh. This was the perfect way to end this campaign and I’m not afraid to admit that watching it sort of made me a little weepy inside. Hearing him utter his catchphrase one last time as he was being propelled deep into space really effed with my head, man.

But my attachment might go a bit deeper than most.

When this campaign first started some nine years ago, my family all went nuts. We had reason to.

“My God, that’s Uncle Lupe,” I recall many of my cousins saying. They weren’t far from wrong.

Uncle Lou, rest his soul, was our version of The Most Interesting Man in the World because of his lifelong habit of being adventurous and unpredictable:

  • He’d randomly show up at your door because he was in there area, even though he lived on the other half of the state
  • He wrote a book while sailing to the Galapagos Islands during hurricane season

There’s much more to the man than just those anecdotes, both of which were absolutely true. My family will attest to the fact that he lived a life that was pretty much parallel to that of TMIMITW and, to top it off, he sort of resembled him.

Now, sadly, the real adventurer and his doppelganger are no longer one with this earth.

Dos Equis, your campaign succeeded in doing what not many could: they made me care, and I don’t even drink beer** regularly. I couldn’t even care about Clara Peller, Homer and J.R., or the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads the way I did about your character. And seriously, they were the only commercials that would make me go silent just so I could watch his latest adventures and catch up on the newest witticisms about him.

And honestly, I completely forgot what he was advertising at times.

So in closing, I raise a glass to The Most Interesting Man in the World and wish him much luck on his journey to Mars which, given his history, I’m sure he will turn into an inhabitable place.

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¡Adios, amigo!

—–

*This was my own contribution
**When there’s beer at the office for Social Hour, I’ll have one

Jumping The Shark


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The term “jump the shark” is used to describe a ridiculously stupid, pivotal moment in a television show’s history that drives the proverbial nail in the show’s coffin.

It was based on a moment in Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumped a shark while on water skis – and of course, wearing his trademark leather jacket.

But now that we’ve been watching terrestrial TV and an abundance of syndicated old TV shows, it’s plain to see that Arthur Fonzarelli did a ridiculously amount of stupid things that make jumping a shark seem like a normal event, like riding a bull and saving the dude ranch (a completely unnecessary two-part episode that included way too many songs sung by Potsie) or participating in a demolition derby to prove to Pinky Tuscadero that it’s no place for the girl he loves.

But I guess “jumping the shark” just sounds better.

TV for Dummies


Okay, now that it’s taken my laptop a good 10 minutes to finally decide it’s going to work for me, I can start tonight’s post.

For all intents and purposes, I don’t watch a lot of TV. In fact you could say that my viewing habits are practically nil when you consider the shows I watch on a regular basis: Big Bang Theory and Cosmos. That’s honestly it, and I just started with BBT this year.

How little TV do I watch? This may blow some minds but I’ve never owned a DVR nor ever had the desire to. Now I’m not sure when the DVR was invented but I can say that I haven’t recorded a show since I owned a VCR and even in my latter days of owning a VCR, I didn’t record much. I suppose a few reasons why I don’t watch much are that a) having been a background actor, it’s hard for me to find any escapism in them and b) they mostly seem like a monumental waste of time.

Dancing B-list stars don’t impress/entertain me, nor do “reality” shows. Also, I never subscribed to the cable channels that showed the most popular shows. We also literally and figuratively cut the cable cord a few months ago and haven’t missed a thing. (Roku, Hulu, Chromecast and broadcast TV are what we now use and even then, I rarely watch anything.)

I had to turn to my Facebook friends to give me some suggestions about today’s most popular shows so that I could take a stab at writing what I think they’re about or at least come up with an embellishment that would be slightly entertaining. They spoke, I listened.

Here, then, are just a few of their suggestions along with my ideas of what may transpire when watching said shows. Keep in mind that I’m totally clueless about most of them; I may know a character’s name but as far as plots and everything else, I’m completely lost.

24: I know a little about this one. From what I understand, Jack Box runs around on his cell phone while pointing his gun at people. I hear he also shoots it quite a bit, mostly for fun. A real renegade who needs a Bluetooth.

Castle: Seems simple enough. It takes place in a castle, right? It would have to with a name like that. I’d wager there’s always some kind of battle going on either within it or outside of it for complete reign of the country. I could be wrong, though.

Game of Thrones: This sounds like an imported Japanese game show in which contestants are made to eat ridiculously bad foods (or insects or insect droppings) to the point of nausea. Then, once they are near vomiting, they must play a game of Musical Chairs only the chairs are port-o-potties, or the “thrones.” The remaining contestant gets the throne, and the right to use it. In Japan, the show would be known as Bidet Sickness Impulsive! (ビデ病気インパルス!)

Veep: Veep is about an alien who was sent to earth on a recon mission. He has taken on a human form so as not to blow his cover. We won’t know what his real mission was until the final episode.

Mom: This is a spinoff based on the Futurama character Mom. With her three sons in tow, the comedy (slap) never (slap) stops (slap)!

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D: The acronym stands for Super Human Intelligence with an Emphasis on Language Detection. It’s about a group of proofreaders who proofread medical documentation in several languages by day and fight crime by night. Gee, this plot sounds really familiar, except the fighting crime part. I don’t have a superhero outfit.

Naked and Afraid: Some things don’t need an explanation.

Person of Interest: It’s a live show, 22 solid minutes (with 8 minutes of commercials, of course) of The Most Interesting Man in the World dispensing his wisdom to callers via Skype.

I think you get the idea.

Yes, I’m totally clueless. And no, I’m not ashamed of it.