The Simpsons Quotes in Daily Life, Vol. 2


In keeping things current with my blog, I’m continuing my series of entries that I started in…uh, November 2017. Maybe I should really stick with that, huh?

Anyway, if you’re unfamiliar with the concept, this series of posts covers quotes from The Simpsons that have made their way into the daily lives of  La Familia Moreno. Pretty simple.

So here we go with Volume 2!

1. The Royal Sampler

jmGxwnvGUk1xuE2HGuFqsITbUeE5uvoXXpQ32crbfxI

Situation: When Homer’s birthmark leads The Stonecutters to believe he is “the chosen one,” they do anything to appease him including rigging their poker game by telling him he as a Royal Sampler. In reality, it’s a hand of cards that wouldn’t win anything.

Family Usage: Quite a different connotation. We use it to describe a mish-mash of anything from groceries to food ordered at a restaurant.

Me (looking at groceries on the conveyor belt): Man. Cat litter, muffins, and ant spray. That’s quite the Royal Sampler.

2. That dog has a puffy tail! Here puff!

hqdefault

Situation: Homer’s attention quickly shifts from his doppelganger, Guy Incognito, who was just thrown out of Moe’s because Moe thought it was Homer in disguise.

Family Usage: We all use this one because we’re all guilty of being distracted during conversation and will blurt it immediately whenever any of us drifts off-course when explaining something. Works especially well with teenagers.

3. You just keep right on driving.

oteFc8W

Situation: When Homer sees an ad for a free tramampoline trampopoline trampoline, he picks it up and decides to open Homerland. Too many kids get hurt and he tries to return it to its original owner, Krusty, who pulls out a shotgun and says, “You just keep right on driving.”

Family Usage: Admittedly, I like second-hand stuff and I find a lot of it around the neighborhood. Some of it has turned out to be a really nice like my Craftsman-style lounge chair which we still have. But if something looks like total crap and I point it out to the family, they will throw this one right in my face.

Me: Wow, look at that old TV!

Ann (pointing at the road ahead): You just keep right on driving.

4. Mmmmmm, nah.

Reverend_Lovejoy_Story

Situation: In “Lisa the Skeptic,” when all of Springfield is waiting for sunset and the impending Judgment Day, Ned Flanders asks Reverend Lovejoy if they should sing some hymns while they wait for The Second Coming. His response: “Mmmmmm, nah.”

Family Usage: It’s a favorite and used whenever someone really wants to emphasize that we shouldn’t do something.

Ann: So should we clean up the backyard a little bit more today?

Me: Mmmmmm, nah.

Side note: Writers are known for basing characters on people they knew in real life. I would love to know if that’s the case with Reverend Lovejoy since some of his behaviors, like the one listed above, are so un-Christian to say the least.

“I never thought I’d have to do this again,” as he pours gasoline down the aisles of his church (key word: again).

“Damn Flanders!” after a call from Ned forces him to wreck his toy trains.

Giving Ned advice: “Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They’re all pretty much the same.”

On the Bible: “Have you ever read this thing? Technically, we’re not allowed to use the bathroom.”

“Oh mercy, he’s the real deal!” when speaking of The Leader of The Movementarians. He also throws his collar on the ground and stomps it.

I love Reverend Timothy Lovejoy.

5. Says you, woman.

bart-simpson-the-simpsons-drake-started-from-the-bottom-episode-0

Situation: Bart’s reply to Marge when she says his back-talking sets a bad example.

Family Usage: My not-so-serious reply to Ann when she tells me something I’m hesitant about.

Ann: You know, that backyard really could use some cleaning up.

Me: Says you, woman!

(We’ll have been married 25 years in June. Don’t judge.)

That’s a wrap on this volume. Come back in, oh, six months for the next batch!

Advertisements

Fifty Shades of Dave


Photo Jan 29, 3 06 29 PMI don’t know what things are like in your state but in California, a trip to the DMV – Department of Motor Vehicles – is always an adventure.

And after taking my motorcycle exam a few times over the last few years, I thought I was through with my DMV visits. How wrong I was.

Here’s what happened. Ann’s birthday is in March and she got her driver’s license renewal letter in the mail well in advance. With my birthday only weeks away, I had yet to receive anything and time was running out so a call to the DMV was in order. And if you’ve ever tried calling the California DMV you know it’s a real pain to get anywhere. So what did I do?

Got on the Tweeter and asked @CA_DMV my question, naturally. I had an answer and phone number in a matter of hours. Ain’t technology grand?

I called and got through right away – this was their main office in Sacramento, I believe. I told the clerk my situation and she asked for my information so she could see what was going on.

It turns out that there was a hold on my regular Class C license after I failed to convert my motorcycle permit into a full-blown endorsement, meaning I didn’t renew or take the skills exam. And because of that hold, the renewal forms weren’t sent to me.

I told the clerk I wasn’t riding anymore and I wasn’t interested in the endorsement. She then cancelled the hold so that I could go to the DMV and fill out the forms to renew my license.

The problem there: getting an appointment. Ann tried for days to get one at our local office in Long Beach and couldn’t. She’s going to one in Orange County later in the month. She has time still. Me? Not so much.

After the call, I headed back to my work desk and immediately went to the DMV website in the hopes of snagging an appointment before my birthday/expiration date. No chance, I figured.

I ended up getting one a few days later – in Long Beach, no less. I had to text Ann and gloat about it. She replied with nasty Bitmojis.

Monday comes around and I leave work for a bit to take care of this business. I managed to find a parking spot no problem and since I had an appointment, didn’t have to wait with the garlic-eating masses outside who didn’t have an appointment.

When I was called I told the clerk the nature of my business. She gave me the form and I filled it out with only one notable change: my weight. I added a few pounds to it. Hell, I’m honest.

I went back and she double-checked it, then issued me a number to see another clerk. I waited maybe 10 minutes before I was called to another booth.

The clerk who helped me was a younger guy and rather affable, more than most others at the DMV. We chit-chatted as he went over my renewal form. All was going well until he spoke up about one detail.

“Hmm. On the computer, it has your hair listed as gray,” he said, pointing at his monitor with a black Paper Mate pen.

Strange. My current license has my hair as black. Then again when I renewed it I still had black hair. Then it occurred to me that when I went for my motorcycle permit, I must have written in “gray” for my hair color. He continued.

“So which one do you want me to use?” I was writing out a check for the renewal fee at the time. I put the pen down.

“Well, being I plan on letting nature take its course, let’s go with gray. I’m not bald and I’ve no plans to dye it. In fact I just had an inch-and-a-half trimmed off. Shit was past my shoulders.”

He was cool. Casual profanity didn’t phase him.

“Really? No way!”

We then chatted a bit more, mostly about aging, as he continued to process my information. He had to be in his early 30s and I gave him a little advice (as if my being nearly 49 qualifies me to be an expert on growing old).

“Man, just enjoy yourself. Stay young at heart. That alone will keep you going. And when your hair starts turning gray, embrace it and be glad you have it.”

And with that, he thanked me and sent me to the photo booth for my picture. Oh, and I had to take the written exam – again – and then wait about 10 days for my new license.

It arrived a few days ago. And although I’m thinner than I was in my previous license photo, the adjusted weight is definitely closer to reality.

And the hair? Proudly abbreviated as GRY.

Because this head will never see a drop of Just For Men.

Another DMV Visit


As some of you may know, I haven’t had much luck in passing my motorcycle skills exam. In fact, I’ve failed it twice (and you can read the reasons why both here and here).

But today was different. I knew I was going to pass it and with flying colors. Or so I thought.

I took some time off of work to squeeze in my DMV appointment and still managed to get in some hours once I was done. And you know what? Even though I had a scheduled an appointment well in advance and only had to take a simple skills test, I accomplished absolutely nothing during my visit.

Here’s how it all went down.

But first, this. Now that I’m on two wheels, parking at the DMV isn’t as bad as it used to be. There are designated areas for motorcycles and more often than not, they are empty. And now that the other local office is going under refurbishment, the traffic at this particular location is ridiculous – if you’re in a car. As for me, I whiz right by the lines of cars waiting for parking spaces and pull into the motorcycle spot. It’s like nobody is there.

That’s until you get inside.

Anyway, once inside, I was directed to Window 30 since I already had my appointment scheduled. When I finally got helped, it started off rather painless. I told the clerk why I was there and handed him the necessary documents: my permit, registration, and proof of insurance. Simple. I’d be done in to time.

But then things hit a snag.

The clerk was carefully inspecting my proof of insurance and registration. Just when I was about to ask if there was anything wrong, he spoke up.

“Do you have any other documentation on your bike,” he asked. Why would I? What more could you possibly need or, in this case, what more would I need to carry on my bike in the event I ever needed any of it?

“No, I don’t. Why?”

He took off his glasses.

“Look at the VIN on both of these. They don’t match.”

Say WHAT?

I grabbed them both and, using those keen proofreading skills that got me out of that grocery store job, read them both. They matched until I got to the last six digits.

“…oooh. I see,” I said. The VIN on the registration was correct. The insurance? Although the make and model matched mine, the numbers didn’t. He then spoke again and, considering I’d taken some time off work to get this crap done, gave me news I really didn’t need to hear.

“Unfortunately, I can’t let you take the exam if these don’t match.”

But I can see his point. Technically, I had no insurance on the bike which obviously doesn’t go over well with them and at this point, I started to feel like one of those seedy people I see waiting at the DMV because it was almost like I was trying to pull a fast one over on him.

Okay, I get that. But wait. Remember I said that this would have been my third time taking the exam? I thought about this after he told me I couldn’t proceed. I got a *little* bit agitated once I figured things out.

“So wait. You mean to tell me that I took the exam twice already with the same documentation and nobody noticed anything?”

It’s obvious that the previous two clerks who let me take the exam weren’t exactly dotting their I’s and crossing their T’s. Then again, I wouldn’t expect anything less from those who work at the DMV (much like the USPS or any other government agency).

The clerk began to apologize as I tried to remain calm.

“And I can’t check anything right now because our computer system is down,” he said. Hey, now there’s a total surprise – their system was down. “But if you want to wait about 15 minutes…”

I’d had enough – and was annoyed. “No, I don’t. I already wasted a day of work. I expected to get something done today but I guess not.”

He handed me my registration and insurance card and I began to walk away, but not before he called me back to tell me I had forgotten my permit.

At that point, I almost told him to keep the damn thing. But I’ll get to that later.

So I gave Ann a call once I left the building and told her to double-check everything with Big Insurance Provider to make sure it’s kosher. (Since the annual premium on the scooter is so cheap, we pay it in full.)

After I hung up with Ann, my mind started going again and I thought of two more things. First, if I had been riding since July 2014 and never changed any of the information on my insurance, it seems to me that the premium we paid was going toward covering some else’s scooter. Right? This sure wasn’t my VIN on there but when entered on the Big Insurance Provider’s website, it comes up as the same make and model as mine. Really weird. I guess we didn’t think twice about it and could be partially to blame for this whole mess.

That, or Big Insurance Provider screwed up. I’ll go with that.

Second, being I had the wrong number on there, I had technically been riding all this time without insurance. But hey, at least I was permitted, right?

Ahem.

Once I got home, there was an email waiting for me from our provider with my new insurance card attached – the one with the correct information that I had relayed to Ann while I was still at the DMV. I printed it out, stuck it under my seat, and rode to work.

So now, after all that, I have to schedule yet another appointment to take the exam and hope that I pass it just so the state can add two little digits onto my existing license: M1.

Now, about the dismissal of my permit at the DMV. I have been in the market for a new bike for some time now and have gone to a few different dealers. I struck up a conversation with a salesman at the last one I visited on Monday regarding all the BS you need to go through to take the exam and its overall difficulty.

“A buddy of mine rode for nearly 40 years without an M1 license before he finally took the exam. And he didn’t pass it,” he told me.

At my current age of 46, I don’t intend to be riding (or for that matter, still breathing) when I’m 86. But considering what a mess this whole examination process has become, riding without the endorsement is beginning to sound like a good idea.

After all, this dude did it for almost 40 years. And that would mean one less DMV visit I’d have to make.

Random Work Thoughts


Here’s just a random slice of some of the things that went through my head today, as jotted in my iPod Touch and e-mailed to me once I got home where I added the links.

Note that there was nothing special about taking notes today; I just wanted felt like doing it.

Enjoy!

(Regarding the signing of a birthday card of someone I don’t know): If I do, I do; if I don’t, I don’t.

What the fuck is that squeaking?

Tom Waits would never win American Idol, and that’s cool with me (and probably Tom Waits, too).

Come on, 3:30…

Who really let the dogs out?

The good thing about riding to work today: lots of calories burned. The bad: I’m tired as Hell.

Damn, that lady has one ugly kid. Poor thing fell from the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

I hate sales reps.

Just saw that kid’s mom up close. Bastard never had a chance.

(With each paper I flip through): This job sucks, kill me now…this job sucks, kill me now…

“Cross over to Bridgeburger, and cross over to pleasure!” (It’s doubtful many people will get that. Do you?)

Is it 3:30 yet?

I still don’t have a computer at my desk but I don’t seem to mind because when someone asks if I got “the e-mail,” I can enthusiastically point to the gaping hole on my desk where the computer should be.

We (Ann and I) were so much better off financially in 2006. What the Hell happened?

Damn carpetbaggers…

(Soto voce, while playing on my iPod): “Yesterday…all my troubles seemed so far away…now it looks as though they’re to stay…oh, I believe in yesterday…”

Boom! Headshot!

Can’t wait until our Disneyland Annual Passes are not blocked out. I need an escape for a few hours–or a day.

Woah, who needs Dinseyland? I just totally disconnected from work for a minute there. I need to remember how I did it so I can do it again for…the next 6.5 hours.

My muse must be summoned, and now.

I wonder what they are going to be filming at the park (which was used for Dexter not long ago). Guess I have to make a sidetrip on my way home today. (Update: methinks it was a commercial and not a big production.)

I can’t believe some people use an AOL e-mail address for their business–how tacky. Yeesh, even I have a personalized account and who the Hell am I? But much like those who have the Jesus fish on their ads, a business with an @AOL address immediately tells me who to avoid.

Think of a story for a book. Write it. Kiss this job goodbye.

“Hello, Mudda…hello, Fadda…”

I seriously think I’m having a nervous breakdown. (A few seconds pass.) Nope, just bored out of my effing skull.

Did my supervisor just refer to me as John?

If I keep blocking Status Updates from Facebook “Friends” I might as well cancel my account. (Thinks.) No, I just need to spend less time there.

(Upon overhearing “Margaritaville” playing on the piped-in radio station in the office): Jimmy Buffett sucks. Fuckin’ a, he sucks. STFU, you fucking idiot. Who enjoys that shit you call music?

(While listening to Loretta Lynn’s “When the Tingle Becomes A Chill“): I should really write a country song.

Oh, leave me alone already…

Why did that Rice Crispies Square taste kind of pickly?

It’s 3:30. Thank God.

…and that’s what runs through my brain most of the time. Be afraid.

One more thing. I found the infamous Pimps N’ Hos picture that I mentioned in this post. In fact, a cropped version is now my new banner but if you want to see the uncropped version, here you go:

pimps-n-hos-lo

Note that the picture was found in a kitchen drawer and sustained some damage, but it’s still not that bad.


Share this post:

add to del.icio.us : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : Digg it : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine : : post to facebook :

I Got A Million Of ‘Em


I’m posting this from my iPod Touch because I’m a bit lazy tonight. That said, text spacing and word count appear to be much different and significantly more than on a browser so if ya don’t like it, sue me–you won’t get much anyhow.

While out for a family bike ride the other evening, I had said something to Ann that I thought was gangbusters; a real knee-slapper. In fact it was so damn funny that by the next day I had completely forgotten what it was I said. But all I remember was that I got a good chuckle out of it, and that’s all that mattered to my fragile little ego (ha!).

Well, yesterday I remembered. Here we go, and get the drumroll ready.

We rode over to the local–*cringe*–JoAnn store so Ann could pick up something she needed for one of her craps crafts. As we parked the bikes, The Kid had noticed that the retail space next to it was empty, so he asked me if I knew what used to be there. He’s a curious little guy.

“I don’t know, Kid,” I said. Ann intervened.

“That used to be my friend’s exercise store. He sold fitness equipment and nutritional stuff,” she said.

Here comes the comedy.

“Well, then, I guess it didn’t work out!” I said as I slapped my knee, as if it was the funniest thing I ever heard. “See what I did there? Workout? Work out?”

Ahem. See, people, wit is all about timing or as it was defined in an episode of The Simpsons, it is an incisive observation, humorously phrased, and delivered with impeccable timing.

And just so you know, his business didn’t suffer the fate of so many others these days. He actually moved to a larger space, so kudos to him for his successful business venture and for not making me seem like a complete jerk.

Partial, yes. But complete? No.

Maybe…