Why You Should Hire Me

Want to know what my inbox has been like lately? Here are some excerpts of what I’ve seen.

From a local grocery chain regarding the position of Team Leader, August 3, 2010:

We have considered your application carefully and unfortunately at this time we will not be progressing it any further. We will keep your application on file for one year to consider for future opportunities.

(Note: they could use a proofreader as “progressing it” makes no sense.)

From a financial institution regarding the position of Bank Teller, August 25, 2010:

At this present time, there are other candidates whose qualifications more closely match the requirements for this position and we will be moving forward with them in the recruiting process.

From a major pharmacy chain regarding the position of Store Management, August 26, 2010:

After a thorough review of your resume, we have decided to pursue other candidates whose skills and experiences more closely meet our current needs.

(Note: they offered a complete training package even if you had minimal management experience, but I guess being a Department Manager at the World’s Largest Retailer for three years wasn’t good enough for them.)

Then there’s the letter I received from the company whose name is one letter off from Carfax, regarding the position of Auto Salesperson. It was pretty much the same as the ones listed above and frankly, I don’t know where it is to scan and post it.

No, checking my e-mail has not been very much fun lately because it’s been nothing but a barrage of denial letters the usual anti-Obama rhetoric from my Republican-’til-I-die father-in-law. About the only job offers I’ve been getting have been for those life insurance companies that, once I checked their backgrounds, turned out to be scams. And I often get calls from places that won’t give me the details of the job they are looking to fill but are more than eager to speak with me.

It’s actually getting to a point where I want to befriend one of those e-mail guys from Nigeria and hope that he is indeed the missing link between me and my long lost uncle ARISTOTLE MORENO III, who was killed in a freak plane accident off the coast of Barbados and had somewhere near $31 million USD in savings, with me being his only heir.

Yeah, it’s that bad. And my unemployment is up in October so who knows what I’m going to do if nothing steady turns up. (Oranges + shopping cart + freeway exit = profit?) About the only thing I could do is book myself at least three, perhaps four times a week for background acting work. Or somehow end up joining SAG and getting twice the hourly rate I’m getting now. But if not then I might as well leave the keys in both of the cars and wait for the Repo Depot to come around and take them away.

And despite me telling myself that it’ll get better, it’s getting harder and harder to believe.

That’s why I need to sell myself–now.

There are only so many things that a resume can tell an employer about a person. Sure, you get the usual job-related stuff and education rundown but even mine seems to be a turn-off for any job I’ve applied for.

So while I’m still getting rejected for everything under the sun, I decided to compile a list of reasons why a potential employer should give the job to me, or at least take some of my other traits and characteristics into consideration during their beslutsfattande*.

Yes, I’m this desperate. But hey, here it goes anyhow.

Why You Should Hire Me

Reliable/Punctual: We’ve all been late to our jobs and I’m no exception, but it’s a rare occasion when I am late. In fact, the only time I was really late to work was when my car broke down while working for Wal-Mart. This was back between 1993-1996 and I didn’t even have a cell phone just yet. I ended up pushing the car off freeway and into nearest parking lot–and took a taxi to work. I called the restaurant to where my car was pushed and told them it was mine and not to tow it, and handled the situation from work and all was well by the next day. As you can see, I make it a point to be someone that can be relied upon and will always leave at least 30 minutes before the start of my shift no matter how close to home I work.

No Vices: I don’t smoke, drink (casual or otherwise), or take drugs (period). Heck, I don’t even drink coffee or regular milk. So if you’re looking for someone who’s gonna take a cigarette break every 30 minutes, or someone who will come in hungover on an early Saturday shift and complain about working weekends, or wonder if I’m going to show up for my shift because you suspect I might be under the influence of narcotics, I’m not your man. But if you want someone just the opposite then you won’t be disappointed. I’m too old for that sort of thing and honestly, was never into any of that.

Experienced: My previous jobs have included retail management and merchandising; proofreading in French, Swedish, and English (US, UK and Canadian rules); magazine writing; and photo lab technician in both one-hour and bulk processing facilities. There isn’t a minilab machine I can’t tame or perform routine maintenance on, and color corrections are a specialty.

No Tattoos: To some employers, a visible tattoo is a big deal as it may not promote a professional appearance. Yes, I admit to having pierced ears but I have no tattoos. They might be cool for some–my wife has one–but they just aren’t me. And even if I did get one it would be respectfully concealed so as to promote a professional appearance which, if you think about it, defeats the purpose of getting one. I can easily go without wearing any earring/s for as long as necessary.

Gets Along Well With Others: As a background actor, I am exposed to different people and personalities with each booking. I take this as an opportunity to engage in conversation with as many people as I can in order to make our jobs a bit more enjoyable. I’ve met a few good friends this way and look forward to working with new people each time I book myself for a show. (And if you haven’t quite picked up on it, I do have a sense of humor.) On the subject of booking, it is my responsibility to book each acting job, call several phone numbers for information, and feverishly take notes during the pre-recorded message regarding wardrobe, location, call time, etc.

Communication Skills: I wouldn’t have blogged for over six years if I didn’t think I was able to convey a particular message, nor would I have been a magazine writer for three years. Effective communication, in either verbal or written form, has never been a problem with me. I can attribute this to the fact that I literally thumbed through two volumes of my World Book Dictionary as a child when I was bored and became fascinated with words, their origins, etc. I still own both volumes and have handed them down to my son.

Committed: I have been married for 17 years and have a son who, despite my being unemployed for such a long time, thinks the world of his Daddy. In fact, I made a promise to him that I would be there for his entire kindergarten year and then start my job search once summer came around. So here I am, looking for something. My family is my heart and soul and I will always put their needs before mine. Speaking of committed, I lost over 100 pounds over the course of three years. More information is at my weight loss blog.

Flexible Scheduling: I’ve been out of work for a while and I will work any shift you give me, full-time or part-time. While a full-time position would be great, I will still gladly accept part-time work and subsidize my income working as a background actor.

So there you have it. I’m just a normal guy that, like the rest of the world, needs a job right now. And if you’ve got one (in the southern California area) then by all means, contact me via the Contact page on this blog. If you would like to see art or writing samples and my recent work history, I have an online version of my resume which can be seen here.

Thank you, everybody. Here’s hoping something turns up real soon and make use of the social networking icons at the bottom of this post to spread the word. Tweet it, Facebook it, whatever it. And I will appreciate it.

Is there any good news?

Yes. We’re stocked up on Mac ‘n’ Cheese and Beanee Weenie so at least the family can have hot, microwaved meals every night for dinner until I find a steady job.

*That’s Swedish for “decision making.” Told you I proofread Swedish documents. Also note that I’m not implying that anybody with any of the aforementioned characteristics have poor work habits; I’m just emphasizing that I don’t have such characteristics or partake in any of those activities.