Humor, Life, Work

Poopy McPoopShoes


freshener

Unlike many southern California residents, I actually enjoy it when we get some rain around here. In fact, I’d like to vacation in Seattle sometime and just sit around, relax, and take in day after day of torrential storms.

Of course, I say that now.

Anyway, today we had a little bit of rain which meant that the drive to work was going to be a bit of a struggle since, as you may well know, people out here lose their fucking minds in the rain. It’s just one more obstacle to deal with when you’ve already got to drive while holding your latte and text, IDK, your BFF Jill. And even if you don’t fall into that category and actually spend time on the road driving (*raises hand*), the drive can still be a challenge.

At any rate, I was on the freeway when Ann called me* to let me know that she heard about an accident on the 405 southbound near the 55 and 73 interchanges. I’m glad she let me know—I listen to my iPod in the car and wouldn’t have known about this otherwise.

I already had my commute punched into my GPS as I always do just in case the freeway comes to a standstill and I need to take an alternate route. So after the call, I chose a route my GPS suggested and followed the green arrows.

It was nice taking another way to work and even better in the rain. I was really digging the drive and enjoying some cool tunes while passing some places I never knew existed.

While grooving to some of the aforementioned tunes, I had to pause for a moment. The song was still playing in the background but I wasn’t listening as something else caught my attention.

There was this…smell coming from somewhere inside the car. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but yeah, it smelled pretty bad. I made the assumption that because it smelled so sour, maybe Anthony had left an empty milk carton in there somewhere after a Saturday morning doughnut run from a few weeks ago. That had to be it, right?

I kept sniffing the air and even glanced at the rear seat. No trash in sight.

The stench kept permeating as I continued driving. Not wanting to look down at my shoe for fear of discovering something I didn’t want to, I did just that at the next red light.

Shit. Exactly. There was some kind of animal shit on the corner of my shoe.

Now, I was tolerating the foul odor up to this point as I didn’t know exactly what it was and my commute was going okay so far, despite having to take an alternate route. But upon discovering the shit on my shoe, the drive became 100 miles longer, the streets were more crowded, and the smell suddenly turned into something that I couldn’t take any longer.

Funny how that works, huh? It was now Situation Critical.

I had to do something at the very next opportunity I got. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have any kind of napkin or paper towel in the car but since I’ve been spending lunch in the car lately, I had a few stored in the armrest. Grabbing them and doubling them up, I tried to wipe the crap off of my shoe at the next red light.

Well, most of it came off but in the process, the wiping acted as some kind of Stench Activation Mechanism (SAM for short) and almost gagged me. And it wasn’t like I could roll down the windows and air out the car—it was raining, you know.

So I made my way to work with the poop-filled towel on the floor mat. It continued to stink up the place and was getting worse. Fortunately and ironically, a recent trip to Disneyland yielded an air freshener (see image above) that was attached to a fold-out card promoting ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas programming. They’ve been giving these out for the past few years as you enter the parking structure.

In an effort to kill the awful smell that was bound and determined to kill me, I unwrapped the air freshener—it was pine scented—and threw it around the shifter. And it worked for a little while but eventually the poop combined forces with it and then the car just smelled like a Christmas tree that took a mean shit.

Is that even possible?

I continued to drive to work and upon finding a spot in the parking lot, immediately threw the poo infested towel out the door—only to step on a corner of it upon exiting. Luckily, it was the only corner that was poo-free. And the good thing is that since it had been raining, there were plenty of puddles I could sort of dip my toe into and hopefully dissolve some of the shit before I entered the office.

No dice. I ended up going into the bathroom and spent some time in a stall using toilet paper to wipe away any remaining excrement off of my shoe. I was a few minutes late to my desk but nobody even noticed.

Once work was over, I entered the car and was pleased to find that, for the most part, the smell of poop was pretty much gone and the pine-scented air freshener was going its job. The source of the poop remains a mystery. It could quite possibly have been an errant log that one of the cats shot outside their communal litter box or a pile on the lawn that I stepped in while walking to the car.

Who knows and honestly, who cares? But today wasn’t totally crappy as I continued my Christmas winning streak by scoring a $15 gift card for movie tickets, which means that I can take Anthony to see Tron Legacy tomorrow. So despite starting the day off crappy, it ended on a high note.

I just hope the movie isn’t shitty.

*Easy there, I have a Bluetooth earpiece, people.
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2 thoughts on “Poopy McPoopShoes”

  1. OMG….I you had me laughing at SAM and crying at the Christmas tree that took a mean shit. I think it was pretty clear to my boss that I wasn’t reading something work related. Funny shit man. Pun not intended, but I’m leaving it in anyway. Cheers!

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