ZOMG! ZOMBIES!!!!11!1!

Man, have you been keeping up with all of these stories? There are three in particular that have turned the world upside-down.

Forget the Zombie Apocalypse. Those motherfuggers are HERE and NOW.

First, there’s the story that most of you have heard of where some crazy dude ate a homeless man’s face. And I mean just that – he ate the dude’s face. According to a newly released surveillance video, the attack went on for 18 minutes before police arrived. It makes me wonder why the victim didn’t bother to at least put up some kind of fight or make a getaway. I mean, wouldn’t you at least give it the old college try if some weirdo was all up in your grill and eating your face?

The attacker was eventually subdued for all eternity when the police decided that the last thing he should eat was a chunk of lead. And that’s exactly what this wonderful, God-fearing man got and deserved. I mean, he sent his mom a nice card on Mother’s Day. He couldn’t have possibly been a zombie. I wonder how Mom feels about the word “cannibal” since “zombie” offends her.

By the way, I’ve seen pictures of the victims face (or what’s left of it). Words can’t describe.

On to Story #2  in which a New Jersey man with psychiatric problems barricaded himself inside his home. When police arrived, they witnessed him stabbing himself which eventually led to him slicing himself open and throwing parts of his goddamn intestines at them.

What the H? I understand he had mental problems but wow, he must have been really effed up to consider doing that.

Okay, finally there’s this one where Zombie #3 killed his roommate and then proceeded to eat his heart and a portion of his brain. I don’t even know what to say about this one besides HOLY HELL!

Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Is this really the year? Were those crazy-ass Mayans onto something with their predictions of whatever they said would happen? I say that because I honestly haven’t been following it but after this week, I may just have to look into it and head to Walmart to stock up on beef jerky and ammo.

And a gun. That would probably help.

With all of this out of the way, I will leave you with some zombie-related musical selections since, well, any one of us could be the next person to fall victim to some nutball out for blood or intestines or other vital organs. Might as well go out with a bang.

The first is from The Charmer who will perform “Zombie Jamboree” (incorrectly titled “Back to Back”) for you.

By the way, The Charmer? Louis Farrakhan. Look it up.

Here’s The Cranberries with “Zombie.” What’s in your head, zombie?

I’m almost ashamed that I know this one but Ann has the album which I ripped to her iPod. Here’s Lady GaGa singing “Monster.” If you don’t want to listen to the entire song, its relevance can be summed up with these lyrics:

Arthur Brown’s “Fire” has nothing to do with zombies but it seems to go with today’s theme. By the way, Lady GaGa, you will never be this awesome.

And since you’re probably feeling the effects of an acid trip after that video, take it further with this Unarius educational film.

Freaking zombies. They are here. They are numerous and belligerent.

The time is nigh.

So yeah, um…is Walmart open 24 hours?