Relish in a Bottle

cfcd_2This post is meant to be read in the style of Budweiser’s “Real Men of Genuis” radio commercials. I would even do the voice of the narrator but I can’t find the music bed heard on those spots, so just use your imagination.

(Music starts)

Narrator: Holographic Meatloaf presents: Real Freaking Idiots.

Singer: Real Freaking Idiots!

Narrator: Today we salute you, Mister Relish-In-A-Squeeze-Bottle-Idea-Guy.

Singer: Mister Relish-In-A-Squeeze-Bottle-Idea-Guy!

Narrator: For it was you who thought that cramming chopped-up, sweet dill pickles into a plastic bottle would be the ultimate in condiment dispensing convenience. Instead, the American public quickly discovered that the shit is too large for the cap’s opening, and all that Joe Sweatsock gets is gelatinous goo all over their hot dog whenever they squeeze the bottle.

Singer: What the Hell is all over my wiener?

Narrator: The poor consumer then has to take the time to scrape the shit off and start all over again, which is just the thing they want to do at a picnic or party.

Backup singers: It’s better from a jar!

Narrator: About the only thing we got out of this was a nifty way to sell the relish at Costco in a package also consisting of ketchup and mustard. In theory, yours truly was a great idea but in execution, it dispenses nothing but misery.

Singer: Damn, that’s nasty!

Narrator: So sit back, Mister Relish-In-A-Squeeze-Bottle-Idea-Guy, and know that in your quest to make things easier, you just made them more difficult, you freaking idiot.

Singer: Mister Relish-In-A-Squeeze-Bottle-Idea-Guy!

This is just a commentary on what I’ve experienced when making my daily sandwich with said bottles of relish. I’ve had to throw out several pieces of bread because, even after shaking the bottle feverishly, all I squeeze out is gooey crap and very little relish. I’ve since switched back to the jar.


4 thoughts on “Relish in a Bottle

    1. No, that’s called good writing–or a vivid imagination. I’m leaning more towards the latter than the former ’cause Lord knows I ain’t funny 🙂


  1. The guy who sings those commercials used to be the lead singer of Survivor.See what leaving a band can do for you?!


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