Caffeine Buzz

I don’t get coffee drinkers.

Ever since starting my current job, I’ve gotten into the horrible habit of drinking a cup of coffee somewhere during my eight hours of non-stop monotony (also known as proofreading). Granted, by the time I’m done adding my cream and sugar, my caffeinated beverage is only coffee in the most academic sense.

Either way, I seem to have become a fan of this awful-tasting drink that I’ve convinced myself will keep me awake and alert as I sit and read piles and piles of stuff in various languages.

And this, my friends, is how bad habits begin.

On a particular day last week, I was feeling especially sluggish so in addition to making one cup in the morning, I somehow felt compelled to take it one step further and concoct a second cup later in the afternoon for a little “boost” near the end of my shift.

While I normally tend to stick to the “light and smooth” variety of coffee, that day I remember choosing “dark and intense” flavor. And what a mistake that was.

I had made it to the end of the day and with both cups flowing through my system, I happily made my way home and as soon as I arrived, Anthony asked me if I wanted to go for a bike ride after dinner. I agreed since, well, who am I to turn him down?

I ate my dinner and then packed up some toys he wanted to play with at the park we were riding to. Along with the toys, I threw in a pack of Extreme Sport Beans that have a little bit of caffeine in them: 50mg to be exact. I usually take these along when I go for my 20-mile ride to the beach every Sunday and because I’m chugging along at a steady pace and keeping busy, the caffeine has no ill effects on me. I use it to keep me going. Additionally, I will have not consumed any coffee since I’m away from work.

But this on day, after drinking two cups and then a having pack of Sport Beans during a leisurely ride to the park, all the caffeine caught up to me.

We reached the park and I let Anthony play for a bit in the sand. I joined him and dug a big hole just so he could fill up his truck and dump the sand back in. I was alright up to that point.

But as we were ready to go, it took over. I started to become really anxious as Anthony found a huge ditch that some kids had made for a hideout. After asking him to please get out of the hole so we could go, I became even more anxious.

“Come on. Let’s go. We need to go. Come ON!” I pleaded to him.

My heart was beating faster and I was getting irritated, more than I normally do when I ask him to do something and he doesn’t comply.

I had the urge to move, move, move and not stop. I had to ride home right then and there. Nothing was happening fast enough for me and all my thoughts seemed to be comprised of fragmented sentences if only for the immediacy and convenience of producing the thoughts themselves.

It wasn’t me standing there impatiently waiting for Anthony to eventually leave the ditch and ride home. I had a caffeine buzz and I had turned into a dickish Caffeine Monster.

When we got home, I sat and thought about what I had put my body though and can’t understand those that intentionally do this on a daily basis. I know some people that drink this shit like water and wow, wouldn’t you know it, they also either have trouble sleeping or sleep too much. Amazing, don’t you think?

And for the sake of all things holy, I didn’t want to end up like that McDonald’s coffee asshole that doesn’t want anybody to talk to him until he’s had his first cup of coffee:

Yeah, that dick. I didn’t want to and refuse to turn into a jittery or drained douchebag like him by becoming a slave to coffee and the ill effects, including terminal rudeness, by craving a cup before I even do anything at work.

Since that day, I have not consumed any coffee at work or otherwise for fear of becoming this moron and even worse, an impatient father who will make his son suffer along with him as the buzz wears off.

And this, my friends, is how bad habits end.