Here It Goes Again

If I had resolved to make 2008 “The Year I Quit Using Profane Language,” I would have failed within the first 22 minutes.

As expected, every neighbor around me was whooping it up for the New Year. I don’t have a problem with that considering it was New Year’s Eve.

But what I do have a problem with is when said noisy neighbors begin to roam between my house and theirs, crunching dried leaves with each step and not knowing when to keep their collective mouth shut.

Ya see, the houses in my neighborhood are really close together. In our case, there couldn’t be no more than, say, 20 feet between them and it’s not uncommon to hear my trailer-trash neighbors arguing, fighting, etc. on any given day. It’s like we live with them only without the mess. And being that our bedroom windows practically line up with each other, we always keep our blinds shut. (In stark contrast to them leaving their window open all night so that their cats can come and go as they please.)

Anyway, it was about 12:15am on New Year’s Day when I heard one of the transient (or permanent) residents mention something about having to relieve himself. Within minutes, I heard the crunching of leaves between the two houses and then dead silence. I was still awake since Ann was up watching that stupid ball drop in NYC just a few minutes before.

I cracked the blind a bit to see what was going on. It was then that I saw Cletus, or Q-Bert or Rumer or whoever the hell it was, taking a leak on my property.

I snapped. I grabbed my trusty 4-cell blue Maglite–Good ol’ Bluey–and shone the beam directly on his peener. With pee still presumably running from his unit and my flashlight beam still on him, Cletus then ran back into the garage where most of the losers congregate/live/take bong hits nightly. I then opened my window and yelled the following:

“Hey, don’t be taking a f*cking piss on my f*ucking property! What the f*ck is wrong with you people? Use your f*cking bathroom, you f*cking moron! Jesus Christ!”

Wow, five “f*cking”s in such a short time. At that rate I could have easily put the entire script from The Big Lebowski to shame. And when I yell, I’m loud. I’m surprised one of my civilized neighbors didn’t tell me to shut up but if they did hear me, they probably knew who I was yelling at and found my profane outburst justified.

Yay verily, giving up colorful language was definitely not my resolution for 2008. But one this I did promise myself was to follow through on what I say. After that lovely incident, I told Ann that we needed to put up a wall, fence, anything to keep those losers off of our property.

And it shall be so.

Phone-Cam image: Ann’s dad lends a hand in bringing home the fencing

This is fencing I bought at Lowe’s yesterday that will go up this weekend. They can make all the noise they want, but those people pissed on my lawn for the last time.