Things I Don’t Consume

There was an interesting story on Fark yesterday about how we are all addicted to caffeine.

I beg to differ.

As some of you may know, I gave up drinking diet sodas (on a full-time basis) when I decided to lose weight and change my lifestyle. I may drink one now and then but not the six-pack I used to consume. I also chose to stop drinking milk in exchange for rice- or almond-based drinks.

But even before all that when I was still a fatty, there was a list of things I never touched. I now present that list complete with the reasons why I don’t.

Coffee: Don’t get me wrong—I love the smell of coffee but its taste is pure unadulterated raunchiness. I’ve even tried to drink some with an open mind and came to the same conclusion: it’s 100% shit. No, seriously. I think coffee really is made of dried shit which is probably explains why it tastes so horrible. Who in the world thought drinking this stuff would be okay? Blecch. Save for on occasional Starbucks frappuccino (and that hardly counts), I stay away from anything containing coffee. Might as well drink goat piss.

Olives: The last few times I went to Subway for my footlong Veggie Delite I specifically asked for no olives. Either I was ignored or the place was too noisy because at the end of the line, there was my sandwich with a huge pile of olives on it. And rare is it for me to make a scene over something like this, but I made sure that they knew adding olives was a fatal mistake. I made them take each and every one of them off because I hate the things either on my sandwich, solo, or especially on pizza. While I can’t say that they are made from shit like coffee is, to me they come pretty close in terms of flavor.

Mushrooms: Man, don’t even go here. They’re a fungus. ‘Nuff said.

Seafood: Again, no! I eat canned tuna and that’s about it. I think it’s freaking disturbing to crack open a crustacean that was alive literally minutes ago, then shovel its guts out and eat them. What’s even better is seeing people tear off the heads of those little crawfish and sucking out the innards. Sure, I enjoy some ground-up cow now and then, but there’s no level of freakishness when I’m eating a burger.

Energy drinks: A friend of mine gave me a Monster one time when he came over to visit. I took two sips and that was it. I can’t even find the words to describe the taste because it was that effing bad. And some of you drink (at least one of) these things each day? WTF is wrong with you people?

Dark chocolate: Unless it’s wrapped around a chunk of caramel, as in Chocolate Reisen, forget it. Dark chocolate only exists to complement other confectionery products and should never be eaten by itself. It’s the law—or it should be.

Chick-Fil-A: This one’s simple: like coffee, it’s made of 100% shit. No, let me change that. It’s 50% cardboard and 50% shit.

I hope this clears things up for you. And if any of you out there actually enjoy any of those things, may [insert appropriate deity here] have mercy on your soul.

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