Blogging 365, Day 14: OMG! WTF?


polls_cat_i_barf_3437_384303_answer_3_xlargeWow. I can’t even begin to tell you what a horrific evening we had but I’m going to try anyhow.

Just before I left work, Ann sent me a text message telling me that she had agreed to watch Anthony’s friend and his three brothers while their parents attended some kind of function. The parents – we’ll call them Aragorn and Galadriel since I’m still reading my Lord of the Rings books – also promised to have pizza delivered to our home while they were out, returning to our place at about 10 pm.

(And since we’re using pseudonyms, the boys will be called Gandalf, Frodo, Bilbo and Merry.)

Ann took the time to clean the house up a bit for the company we were expecting. They arrived at about 5:30 and unloaded all of their goodies in the den, most of which were Xbox controllers, games, and Skylanders toys. Once they did that, we let them all go outside to play for a bit.

By 5:45, Merry’s foot had slipped off the pedal of the go-kart twice causing him to wail. By 6, Gandalf had shit his pants and had to put on a pair of Anthony’s pajamas. He, by the way, had already told Ann that he wasn’t feeling to good and we later found out from Aragorn that Galadriel was violently ill at about the same time Gandalf’s bowels gave way.

The kids continued to play outside until it got a bit too cold for their liking so we all went inside so they could play some Xbox. About 30 minutes later I hear Frodo say that he wasn’t feeling good and by the time I could direct him to the bathroom, there was a trail of vomit from the hallway leading in to the bathroom – and all over the toilet. I handed him some paper towel and asked if he could clean it up which in his eyes meant just covering it. I eventually had to do it.

As time went on, the kids started to get hungry. About the only thing we had in plentiful supply were packages of fruit snacks that we got on clearance so we asked who was interested in having some. (Remember, we’re used to feeding one kid not four.) They all wanted them so that’s what they got but they were still hungry, especially little Bilbo. The parents had promised pizza but it had yet to materialize so they were all getting cranky.

Bilbo continued to cry that he was hungry which, of course, led to him feeling “like I have to barf.” And as you could imagine, he did just that on the kitchen floor. About 15 minutes later I hear someone in the den say, “Frodo is barfing again.”

spaceballs john candy barfBy now, we’re completely out of paper towels and our collective patience is running thin. With barf flying around this house like a city park sprinkler shooting out a steady stream of water, we had no choice but to use our spare bath towels. As far as preventing cleaning up any further messes, all I could do was run into the bathroom and tell them all that if they were feeling sick and they couldn’t make it to the bathroom to use the trash can. Bilbo was the only one who made use of it.

I made my way into the den and once again, picked up after Frodo as he apologized. But despite my outward nonchalant attitude toward it all, deep down inside I was thinking, “Don’t apologize. Here’s a towel. Use it.” I also vacuumed up what I couldn’t get by hand.

All the time we’re calling Aragorn and giving him the play-by-play and getting his ETA. Between Galadriel and the kids, he had no choice but to turn around and put the kibosh on their evening plans. Our house was in total chaos between kids whining about being hungry and spewing.

We get an ETA from Aragorn who said he would pick up some food for myself, Ann and Anthony since he didn’t want his kids anywhere near food for the rest of the evening. At this point I didn’t really care what he did or didn’t bring; I just wanted my house back in order.

Before he arrived, as you might have guessed, we had another barf incident. This time it was Gandalf who, as mentioned earlier, was a ticking time bomb to begin with. Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to go outside and do it on the yard. I guess that’s better. I don’t know. You tell me.

By the time Aragorn arrived, we had three green kids slumped over sick. The only one who didn’t barf or complain about being hungry was Merry. As for the rest…UGH.

Aragorn apologized profusely for what had happened as he handed us a boxful of In-N-Out burgers that he had picked up along the way. Once he wrangled up the Company and strapped them in the car, Ann handed him a bag and told him, “Just in case.”

It didn’t matter. By then, Frodo had rolled down the window and blew some final chunks all over our driveway.

scream-16_6155The burgers were a fine gesture no doubt and to be quite honest, after the evening we just had, we didn’t feel like eating much but we did just that. I even ate some of the fries which anybody who knows me will tell you is out of character since I despise In-N-Out fries. I even drank a strawberry shake, not even caring about the fat or calories that any of the items contained or the fact that I am lactose intolerant. At this point all of it was comfort food for quite possibly one of the worst evenings of my adult life.

The house still smells of barf despite my burning several sticks of incense. We’ve taken showers, cleaned and sprayed down just about everything those kids touched and I don’t think Bath & Body Works is capable of producing the amount of antibacterial gel I would feel comfortable with at this moment, even if they worked overtime for several shifts.

Holy shit. What a night. All I want to do is go to bed and forget it ever happened – and be thankful Anthony’s an only child.

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