Blogging 365, Day 57: If I Were Pope…

I would declare myself fallible, and my first act of fallibility would be purchasing this album:


Speaking of music, I would demand that this song be my theme song whether I was exiting a plane or going for a ride in the Popemobile.

Oh, and the Popemobile? Replaced by a Kia Ray EV.

kia ray

Out: funny red slippers. In: ASICS GEL-Noosa Tri 8.

asics gel

All hats and vestments would remain in order. Gotta look somewhat presentable when waving to the garlic-eating masses.

The Vatican would be renamed “The Vatican sponsored by Pepsi.” A huge Pepsi logo would be installed behind and above me in the balcony when praying so as to appease the Vatican’s new sponsor. Naming rights would be a way to monetize the place as the church goes broke paying out lawsuit money. I would end my Sunday mass by cracking open an ice cold bottle, chugging it down, and saying, “Pope Aragorn out!”

Pope Benedict was weak. I’d still have a Twitter account, something like @badasspope.

I would also implement some changes within the church.

Confessions can often run long so giving sinners time limits in which to confess their sins seems like a good idea. Additionally, the time remaining would be displayed outside of each confessional. Time limit: 5 minutes from the second that door closes. And to make it easy, I would create a Sin Chart and hang it outside each confessional as well as have it in print and PDF for distribution. It would be an easy way to determine which prayers to say without having to tie up the priests.

And priests? They would be allowed to marry whichever gender they wish. This would include female priests, which I would allow.

This whole Lent thing is silly. Forty days of abstaining from something you love does not prove much of anything. I would encourage giving up a vice and taking up a healthy habit, both for life.

The Eucharist/communion wafer would be flavored because those things are pretty bland.

Eliminate the Stations of the Cross reenactment. Any Catholic, former (*raises hand*) or current probably wouldn’t disagree.

And most importantly, end all masses with the Throne Room music from Star Wars.