The Almond Roca Theory

almond-roca1Just before we left work for our week-and-a-half vacation, I mentioned to a few of my coworkers my theory about Almond Roca candies.

Now don’t get me wrong–they are very tasty and very fattening. In fact, did you know there’s more fat in three Almond Roca pieces (15g) than in a McDonald’s cheeseburger (12g)? If that’s not reason enough for you to avoid eating one (or three for that matter), then perhaps my little theory will be. It definitely worked on my coworkers who sarcastically thanked me each time they walked over to that famous pink tin can for another piece.

Here we go, and you’ll probably figure it out well before I finish my story.

Dogs, as you may or may not know, enjoy eating anything they can find. Some of my dog Arliss’ favorite treats can be found in Cindy’s cat box which isn’t covered, allowing him complete access to Cindy’s litter-encrusted gems.

One day after shooing him out of the box for the umpteenth time, Ann asked me why dogs like eating cat shit. While the simple and logical explanation is that dogs are just fucking stupid animals, I had an epiphany and I had to share it with her.

“Maybe he thinks they’re Almond Rocas.”

You can thank me in the Comments section 🙂

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Holy Hell! WTF is That?

shop_boyz_polyphonic_spreeNow that the holidays are upon us, the airwaves are getting crammed with commercials for new and innovative products that your friends and family will just be begging you to buy for them.

And if any of your friends just happen to be the Dalai Lama, a tall Jawa or short Kanamit, Mahalia Jackson, members of some comet tail-riding cult, Gregorian monks, or are planning to audition for The Polyphonic Spree, 2008 could be the year you play Hall & Oates by making their dreams come true!

kanamitLadies and germs, I present to you the Snuggie robe, quite possibly the strangest and ugliest article of clothing I’ve ever seen. Seriously peeps, forget Chia Pets, Clappers and K-Tel “Get It On” two-record sets–this thing takes the proverbial cake!

Touted as “the blanket that has sleeves” the Snuggie solves the age-old problem we all face: how do I keep my hands warm while not being restricted to the “inconvenience” of using a blanket?

mjinredThe solution is simple–throw on this blanket with sleeves and you’re good to go! And when I say “good to go” they mean it. The commercial actually shows a family of unfortunate souls wearing these ridiculous things at a sporting event where they looked like they would be better suited handing out leaflets for The Movementarians rather than cheering on their team. All they would have needed to make their ensemble complete was a pair of Nikes, the official shoe of the Heaven’s Gate cult.

1463_heavens_gate_468These things are just freakishly unsightly and downright ugly. Now I don’t know about you, but I think I’d rather be seen in public wearing a “Choose Life” or “Frankie Says Relax” shirt rather than these abortions of good taste. At least then I may only look slightly outdated instead of criminally insane.

And if any of you guys out there decide to buy me one, you’re in big, big trouble.

Check out the informercial:

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Life After “High School Musical”

Yesterday as the family sat through the painfully exuberant production that is called the High School Musical 3 parade at Disney’s California Adventure, Ann came up with an interesting thought.

“So they (the characters) graduated high school. What do they do next?”

Well, sweetie, allow me to answer that with a list of possibilities that Disney won’t be likely to pick up. And I apologize in advance for plagiarizing your concept.

Here they are in no particular order:

  • Minimum Wage Musical
  • Student Loan Musical
  • Struggling Actor Musical
  • Single Mother Musical
  • Drunken Escapades Musical
  • Hungover Again Musical
  • The Party’s Over Musical
  • ZOMG I GOT SO FAT Musical
  • College Dropout Musical
  • Liberal Arts College Musical
  • Waking Up in a Pool of Vomit Musical
  • College Ain’t High School Musical
  • iPhones Are More Fun When Daddy’s Paying the Bill Musical
  • Top Ramen Musical
  • 1994 Nissan Altima Musical

And finally…

  • Reality Sucks Musical

So hold the smiles and buckle up, kiddies. You haven’t even seen the best the world has to offer you!

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Just the other day I was doing my usual perusal of search terms that people have used to find my blog. I find it fun and informative as it lets me know just how many fucked-up people there are in this world, even more fucked-up than myself.

I have, however, noticed a pattern.

Without fail, I get quite a few hits each day for the term “steve perry disneyland,” the reader desperately hoping they will come across some pictures of Perry eating a churro on Main Street or flashing his nipples at the camera on Splash Mountain. (It all goes back to that infamous post some time ago which has since been deleted. I even had people fucking e-mailing me after it was deleted wanting to know more. Holy Christ.)

But wait, there’s more! Some of the other terms people have used to find my blog have been “steve perry at dodgers game,” “steve perry sightings,” “steve perry 2008” and believe it or not, “where does steve perry live.”

And that’s when it hit me: you…you people wanting to know all this about Steve Perry. Seriously, what the fuck?! With terms like that being Googled it’s no wonder the dude wishes to live a quiet life!

Ahem. I digress. But hey, if it’s pictures of Steve Perry they want, it’s what I’ll give them. Note that these are all based on the terms that brought them here.

Click here to see the photos!