So It’s Come to This

So…how you all doin’ this fine Saturday evening? I’m good, thanks for asking.

Aren’t you going to ask me what happened today? Because I’d be more than happy to tell you. It really is a nice story.

This morning while I was getting ready to take Anthony to his t-ball league’s Closing Ceremonies by loading all of the equipment in the truck, a Long Beach police unit come rolling down the street and parked in front of my next door neighbor’s house. The officer sits and waits.

A few minutes later another unit arrives. By now, another neighbor across the street, Sherry, is out and wondering what’s going on. Her grandkids then arrive and ask to play with Anthony.

As I walk across the street to take Anthony to Sherry’s, I approach one of the officers and ask if everything was okay.

“We just need to go talk to your neighbor,” he says.

“Oh, okay. I’m just asking because there’s been a lot of activity on the street lately and we’re a bit concerned.” He nods and both officers head to Dick’s* house, aka Mr. “Happy Birthday Jesus Sign 365/24/7.”

They are in his house for some time and our curiosity is getting stronger. Did he beat his wife again, much like he did years ago and served time for? Did they have a little spat that needed police intervention? Inquiring minds wanted to know!

Well, as we all stood and wondered what exactly they were doing there, we see the officers exit the house and slowly walk down their driveway—then slowly head up ours. I excuse myself, walk to the house and wave over to them.

Here’s the part when Dave SHOULD have lost it BUT for the sake of all involved and keeping my reputation intact, I didn’t.

You see, Dick and that cloven-hoofed bovine wife of his had a dog not so long ago. With complete disregard to local leash laws, they used to walk it leash-free on a daily basis. In fact, it even went after a few resident’s dogs, kids, and my own father-in-law just a few months after he had underwent quadruple bypass surgery.

Their dog was also seen running the neighborhood on more than one occasion and was witnessed by everybody that lives around me. It’s for this reason that I filed a complaint with Animal Control, something I would have done regardless of who it was—all I’d need to know was the dog’s rightful owner.

When I confronted his Moo-Cow wife and told her she needed to keep her dog on a leash, she flatly denied that her dog was the one that was loose. This, despite the fact that multiple residents saw it and filed reports on it.

See, that’s what I’m dealing with here: boldface liars that think their shit don’t stink.

At any rate, about a few months ago we had found out that their dog wasn’t doing to well. Within a few days it had passed away. And that’s when the fun began and what led up to today.

They apparently wanted a toxicology report (?) done on the dog but it had already been cremated (?) so it could not be done. From there, with absolutely no proof whatsoever, they started to accuse our neighbor across the street of poisoning their dog. What transpired between those two is their own business.

You can probably guess where this is headed, right?

Today’s taxpayer-funded visit by local law enforcement to The Residence Moreno was to inform us that The Stupids now claim that we poisoned their dog.

What the fuck is that shit? Look, I know we don’t get along and yes, their dog was running amuck but would I go so far as to kill the thing? Hell no! In fact when I told the officer that I had filed a report (with not so much profanity), he told me I was within my rights to.

Basically, what their little visit came down to was simply to appease The Stupids. While the supposed reports do say that there was a good amount of poison in the dog’s system, there’s no proof that we did anything to it.

And that’s what we couldn’t figure out. Look up a few paragraphs and read the part where the dog was cremated before any toxicology reports could be done. What the fuck, did they glue the dog’s ashes back together and run a test then? There’s a little hole in that story. Then again, it comes from Dick’s neighbor to the north of him, so it’s not anything that I can say I know firsthand.

Look, I may be unemployed with plenty of time on my hands but come on, plotting to kill my neighbor’s dog was never on my To Do List.

As if I would risk going to jail over something so stupid and not think about my own son? As if I would risk my marriage? My clean record? Oh yeah, asshole. I so would risk EVERYTHING to poison your dog and watch it die. My dog, two cats, and one goldfish had better watch themselves now, huh?

But getting back. The main reason they believe that we did it was simply because we never got along from Day 1. That’s the truth, but I guess it would be difficult for you to get along with your neighbors if:

…they would drive your side of the driveway (see tire tracks) to park their car…

…prompting us to put up a fence…

…built their driveway at an angle so that rain/sprinkler water runs down our side…

…this was your view when backing out of your driveway (note: the red Jeep that was parked there for years and has since been moved).

Oh, should I go on?

• Their visitors routinely park over our driveway while they visited
• Before we lived here, their visitors often parked in our driveway (without permission) while Ann’s grandfather was vacationing
• Built the wall between us against Ann’s grandfather’s wishes the period after he died and before we moved in, taking 12”of our property and claiming they still own another 4” on our side of the wall

See? These people are fucking psychotic.

So yes, we have had problems with them in the past and justifiably so. That was the reason they think we offed their dog, and what the officers basically told us was to simply not speak to them.

“Sir, I didn’t need you to tell me that. I haven’t spoken to them in months,” I replied. And it’s true—there’s nothing to talk about. In fact, the only time we exchanged words recently was when Ann went over and told Dick that she had heard about his dog and that she was truly sorry, and that no animal should have to suffer the way it did.

Dick (cringe) hugged Ann afterward. She took a shower soon after that, for the following reasons:

Tale of the Tape	Dave	Dick
Been arrested?	No	Yes
Served time in jail?	n/a	Yes
Years married?	Almost 17	Married multiple times
Smokes?	No	Yes
Drinks?	No	Yes
Listens to pan flute music?	FUCK NO	Yes
Wife driving car with expired tags?	No	Yes
Have neighbors call him if it was street sweeping day and his car was out?	Yes	No

Who you gonna believe?

By the end of the conversation it seemed like the officers weren’t as serious as they were in the beginning, after hearing everything I had told them. In fact, when the last officer left, I waved to him–and he smiled and flashed me a peace sign.

Huh. So he was cool with us or he’s a closet hippie.

Anyway, kids, go run and get your profanity goggles on because Uncle Dave thinks it’s about to get a little blue around here.

Dear Dick,

You. Asshole. You who claims to be a Christian. You’re a fucking embarrassment and a disgrace to those who do truly practice the Christian faith and try to make their lives better by following what they believe is the Word of God. And it’s a shame that your distorted view of life is partly the reason my faith has since gone to shit and why I question the morals of any organized religion and its followers.

I may have stopped going to church years ago but based simply on the way I live my life, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that the chances of my being more Christian than yourself are much greater than you think. I am a man of integrity, honesty and respect. I can’t say the same for you, nor can any of your neighbors.

Any Bible you touch should be discarded for it has been forever tainted with your contradictory view of everything between its covers. No church should allow you to enter, no woman should ever be allowed to marry you. You’re an evil, evil excuse for a human being that doesn’t deserve respect from even the lowest of life forms.

I don’t ask for your forgiveness for I’ve done nothing wrong. Rare is it for me to say this, but as God is my witness, we did nothing to harm your dog. My only regret is that this poor animal’s last owners were fucking morons that nobody in this neighborhood speaks with, and wouldn’t piss on to put out a fire. The poor dog never had a chance to begin with.

I don’t pray for you. I don’t envy you. Living with yourself and your life of lies is punishment enough. And if, according to your beliefs, your Day of Judgment shall come, you had best be prepared because, as if the troubles you caused us and today’s accusations are any indication, there’s simply no room for you in Heaven:

Matt. 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”

John 8:7 “Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

And that, my friend, is how I sleep at night.

And that’s the kind of day I had.

So what’s new, pussycat? And what the fuck is up with that Glee show? Seems really retarded.

*Dick is not my neighbor’s real name but…you get it, right?