Just before my exercises last night I decided to, for some reason or another, go through my pile of old ZIP disks. God, remember those? The ZIP 100 MB could hold as much data as 70 floppies! The 250–even more!
Ahem. I digress. But it was on those ZIP disks that I stored my college assignments from my Screenwriting, Creative Writing and English 100 classes. (How I wrote them is another story that I will most likely tackle in a day or two.)
At any rate, upon further inspection I came across a treasure trove of goodies that were written in the days before I had a blog (although I do faintly remember having a daily journal hosted my Geocities back then). I also found a ridiculous amount of Photoshopped images I created for Fark.com, old images of Ann and myself, our old cars…it was a lot of fun rummaging through these old disks seeing what I could find.
The content of some of these Word documents, a few of which were composed on Word 95, was simple: I would come up with junk that I thought was funny and send it out to a select few in my address book that I thought would find it amusing as well. Hopefully the recipients got a laugh or two out of them.
One of these Word docs was something I called “More Things You Can Do to Annoy People,” a list of things that you could do to, well annoy people. Since this file implies that there was one before it, I’ll keep looking but I sure as hell don’t recall there being more to it than this.
Note that this was written nearly 8 years ago so play along with the references to the pager and TV button references (if you remember such things).
Ready? Here we go!
From December 2000, here’s More Things You Can Do to Annoy People
1. If you lose a bet, pay the winner in pennies.
2. Stand in an elevator with your back facing the door.
3. Leave your film at a one-hour photo lab and tell them you’ll be back tomorrow.
4. Drive down the interstate with your turn signal on, not changing lanes.
5. Call a radio station at random and ask, “Did I win?”
6. Stand outside a supermarket or any other business holding a blank picket sign and hand out blank pieces of paper to anyone who passes by.
7. Stare at someone and when they say, “What?” Reply, “That’s one”. When they say, “One what,” say,“That’s two” (count every time they say “what”).
8. Walk up to a drive-thru window and order.
9. Go to a bingo parlor filled with old people and when the first number is called stand up and yell, “BINGO!”
10. Repeatedly curse after every stroke you take at a driving range.
11. When someone calls and asks, “Who is this?” reply by saying, “I don’t know…I can’t see you.”
12. When a cashier asks if the transaction will be cash, check or charge, ask if they accept blood. Or sperm.
13. Yawn really loud in the middle of a sermon.
13. When making lists, repeat numbers.
15. Stick a Moon Pie on a car’s windshield on a hot day and watch it slowly run down.
16. Try changing the channels on your TV by shooting rubber bands at the buttons, claiming you can’t find the remote.
17. Make fliers for a “make money fast” job, making sure the phone number posted is that of an enemy.
18. Ask a costumed character at Disneyland why they can’t talk in person when they can on the cartoons.
19. When making lists, skip numbers.
22. Call a bowling pro shop and ask if they have ten-pound balls, but be serious about this inquiry.
23. Eat peanuts while driving and throw the shells out the window.
24. Page a friend with a 911 (urgent) message, leaving the number of a pizza parlor.
25. If someone asks what time it is, tell them it’s time they get a watch.