That’s Me?

Some curious Web surfer searched for “big john’s beans and fixin’s” and came across ye olde blog. And I cripes, have to admit I’m quite embarrassed.

Check out this image from June 2005 (and ignore my old URL):



Ahem. I’m pleased to say that’s nowhere near I am today as is evident by this photo, even though it was taken about 5 lbs. ago:

My sincerest apologies to those who may have found the first image offensive. Meh, I’m sure the second one is too, so I’m sorry for that one as well.

And I promise an updated progress photo is coming soon. In fact, I’ll even hold up a pair of my Fat Guy Pants for comparison purposes!

This entry is a SimulPost and can also be seen at 200by40

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BREAKING NEWS: Earthquake!

Reports are it was a 5.8. Some offices evacuated. Everything fine for now. No damage.

UPDATE 12:18 p.m.: Here’s a link to the story with stats and exact location. I was on lunch when I started to hear and feel some rumbling. Knowing we’re on the second floor and that the floors will make this same sound if you walk heavily, I kept on eating.

Then the blinds began to sway. The rumbling got louder and stronger. And I kept on eating. (You get used to these things in California.)

When it got even stronger I thought I’d better get my walk in before the place fell down on top of me. So entered the stairway and was met by a group that was vacating their office. I joined them on the walk down.

In the end, we’re all okay here in southern California. But it turns out Verizon is having some problems because I can’t make calls right now (UPDATE: All better now). It’s probably because idiots like me are using their valuable resources to post “live-on-the-scene” blog entries… 🙂

And now that it’s over, LET THE NEWS MEDIA HYSTERIA BEGIN!

UPDATE 9:10 p.m.: I have given NowPublic permission to use the image you see above along with the text I entered on Flickr. You can see it here!

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What A Dick Looks Like

Okay, fine. You got me.

Each time I log in to WordPress I see the search terms that people used to find my blog. For some reason or another, there are some out there that come across this blog by searching for the term “what a dick looks like” or some kind of variant of the term. It’s probably because of this post.

If you’re the adventurous type and absolutely must know what a dick looks like, apparently because you know not how to turn off “Safe Search” mode in Google, then by all means click on the link below.

Note: this is not for the squeamish.

I now present a bunch of pictures of dicks. Read on if you dare.

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Weekend Madness!

It looks like this weekend is going to be busy! Here’s the rundown:

1. Take delivery of our new spa, arriving at 9 a.m. sharp. It will be interesting to see how in the hell they intend to snake that thing down the side of the house and into the backyard. Pictures to be posted once it’s all over and done.

2. Get [reading] glasses repaired at optometrist. At first they only had a tendency to slide down the bridge of my nose which I dealt with until I could take them in to get fixed. Then one time while they were sliding I pushed them back up and saw the little nosepad fall right off into the darkness that is the underside of my desk. I retrieved the pad but the screw was gone. Now I have no choice but to get them repaired and hopefully resized a bit. My head isn’t that big, people. (Physically, at least.)

3. Attend my aunt’s 84th birthday. It will be a pool party and many relatives I hadn’t seen since my aunt’s 80th birthday will be there. Good times and good food.

Recover from Saturday’s activities. That’s about it, unless we decide to rip out the rest of the carpeting in our room and Anthony’s room.

And we might even enjoy the spa, too.

See you Monday!

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Things I Don’t Consume

There was an interesting story on Fark yesterday about how we are all addicted to caffeine.

I beg to differ.

As some of you may know, I gave up drinking diet sodas (on a full-time basis) when I decided to lose weight and change my lifestyle. I may drink one now and then but not the six-pack I used to consume. I also chose to stop drinking milk in exchange for rice- or almond-based drinks.

But even before all that when I was still a fatty, there was a list of things I never touched. I now present that list complete with the reasons why I don’t.

Coffee: Don’t get me wrong—I love the smell of coffee but its taste is pure unadulterated raunchiness. I’ve even tried to drink some with an open mind and came to the same conclusion: it’s 100% shit. No, seriously. I think coffee really is made of dried shit which is probably explains why it tastes so horrible. Who in the world thought drinking this stuff would be okay? Blecch. Save for on occasional Starbucks frappuccino (and that hardly counts), I stay away from anything containing coffee. Might as well drink goat piss.

Olives: The last few times I went to Subway for my footlong Veggie Delite I specifically asked for no olives. Either I was ignored or the place was too noisy because at the end of the line, there was my sandwich with a huge pile of olives on it. And rare is it for me to make a scene over something like this, but I made sure that they knew adding olives was a fatal mistake. I made them take each and every one of them off because I hate the things either on my sandwich, solo, or especially on pizza. While I can’t say that they are made from shit like coffee is, to me they come pretty close in terms of flavor.

Mushrooms: Man, don’t even go here. They’re a fungus. ‘Nuff said.

Seafood: Again, no! I eat canned tuna and that’s about it. I think it’s freaking disturbing to crack open a crustacean that was alive literally minutes ago, then shovel its guts out and eat them. What’s even better is seeing people tear off the heads of those little crawfish and sucking out the innards. Sure, I enjoy some ground-up cow now and then, but there’s no level of freakishness when I’m eating a burger.

Energy drinks: A friend of mine gave me a Monster one time when he came over to visit. I took two sips and that was it. I can’t even find the words to describe the taste because it was that effing bad. And some of you drink (at least one of) these things each day? WTF is wrong with you people?

Dark chocolate: Unless it’s wrapped around a chunk of caramel, as in Chocolate Reisen, forget it. Dark chocolate only exists to complement other confectionery products and should never be eaten by itself. It’s the law—or it should be.

Chick-Fil-A: This one’s simple: like coffee, it’s made of 100% shit. No, let me change that. It’s 50% cardboard and 50% shit.

I hope this clears things up for you. And if any of you out there actually enjoy any of those things, may [insert appropriate deity here] have mercy on your soul.

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